Breaking free from self-negative talk

I recently had the opportunity to speak to a room full of knowledgeable and inspiring women about my journey breaking free from self-negative talk and stepping up the career ladder. A journey I’m still on every day!

Sharing my personal story gave me the opportunity to reflect on my successes to date and offer some practical tips the audience could put into practice.

In this pic here I am a 20 yr old girl and in my arms is my beautiful baby boy.

Sadly it was around this time we tragically lost his father.

I felt the weight of this responsibility heavily on my shoulders…. How was I going to do this on my own? How would I provide for him? How would I get ahead? Every stereotype that you think of about a young single parent – I worried people would judge about me and I projected that on to myself twice as harshly.

On average, Mothers earn 12% less than Fathers of the same age and education*. Stats show young single parents also have more of a struggle to get ahead, this really played on my mind and adding self-negative talk to the mix didn’t help.

Talking to friends and colleagues has made me realise I’m not alone in this, we can be our own worst critic! Am I right? We all slip into the self-negative chatter from time to time. The pressure we put on ourselves can be overwhelming and those self-negative messages we tell ourselves are holding us back from our goals, but also day to day happiness.

• Find a friend to talk with

You’re not alone! Having someone to talk with can help. You know what they say—a problem shared is a problem halved. Discussing concerns with someone you trust is a great way to brainstorm solutions.

• Have some personal affirmations you can repeat to yourself when you need some encouragement and focus

I invite you to catch yourself out next time you slip into self-negative chatter and flip it round to intentionally choose positive thoughts. It can be good to have a few go-to mantras that you can repeat silently to yourself when you need a quick mindset shift.

You’ve got this. You’re awesome!

• Find a mentor

To take the next step in your career it can be helpful to seek out a mentor, someone to sort of wrap their arm around you and offer support and advice. It could even be in a paid type capacity if there is a particular skill you would like to develop in.

With technology today you don’t need to live in the same area, for example I currently have a mentor I Skype with about once a month who is based in Switzerland.

On top of seeking out a mentor, a friend of mine recently introduced me to a goal setting method which you may find useful. It works well to break goals into achievable steps but also helps with shifting a negative mind set.

• 3,2,1 Goal setting

Each day in your journal write down:

3 things you are grateful for

2 goals but the trick is to write them as if they are already true! eg. "I'm president of ......"

1 action you are going to take today to move towards your goal

When you are feeling distracted at work or home you can read back over your action for the day to be reminded on what your focus for the day is and when you feel yourself slipping into self-negative talk you can revise back over the things you are grateful for.

Why not try this 3,2,1 goal setting method and I challenge you to share with someone what action you are taking today to head towards one of your goals. It may be as part of that challenge you find your mentor/support person.

It’s crazy to think about the 20 year old me, holding my baby wondering what I was going to do, how I would get ahead... now this is me last week in Bali with my ‘baby’, now 15 years old and towering over me.

If I had given in to all the self-negative talk and all the things I worried people were thinking of me and based my goals on that…. I guarantee I wouldn't be where I am today. So I invite you to catch yourself out next time you lapse into self-negative chatter and to maybe set your dreams and goals a little bigger ....... and when you find yourself thinking "Why me?” How about you flip it and say "Why NOT me!"

You are capable, ditch the negative talk and go get it!

As part of my personal goal setting I’m open to more coaching and speaking opportunities. To discuss more of my tips and/or speaking engagements please email tracy@goals.org.nz

(*Stats sourced from www.stats.govt.nz)

Vegas brings the compliments

I recently attended my third NamesCon Global event held in Las Vegas. NamesCon Global is an annual domain name industry conference which provides an excellent opportunity to connect with industry colleagues from around the world. Having flown all the way from New Zealand it’s nice to catch up with those you often only communicate with via email. Putting a face to the name is a great way to personalise the working relationship and discuss topics in more detail.

A highlight for me was discussing the organisations plans for the year ahead. Each person I spoke with brought their own energy, enthusiasm and knowledge to the companies they work for. A day full of scheduled meetings is followed by an evening of networking functions with an opportunity to continue discussions and meet new acquaintances. One such function even had a live snake in attendance (only in Vegas!).

The second highlight was the feedback I received from the attendees, both from customers and peers working in similar roles within different organisations. Thinking back to the conference, there was a lot of constructive praise being given between attendees and it’s a real credit to the event and the people working in the industry that this culture of positivity and encouragement of each other is visible.

When was the last time you gave someone you work or collaborate with some praise for a job well done? A small compliment can go a long way! This recognition is crucial in knowing you are on the right track with your work. Constructive praise needs to be specific, helping you notice and play on your strengths. It also helps in understanding the strengths of those you work with. Hearing constructive praise can be one of the most supportive environments to grow and learn. 

The praise needs to be genuine but if given publicly can help encourage a high standard of work. If staff know they are going to be recognised and rewarded for the hard work they put in, they are more likely to put in extra effort.

Giving or receiving feedback can be a vulnerable feeling. I know I certainly down played it when I was complemented… “No, I’m not that great,” “That was nothing really,” “It was a whole team of people,” “You’re too kind.” But once I took time to reflect on the praise and recognise the experience of those that had offered the feedback, I felt it was important to take it on board, noticing where others saw my strengths. We are often critical of ourselves in an endeavour to improve but it’s also a crucial part of self-development to recognise where our skills lie. Taking the feedback on board certainly increased my confidence!

So now that I’m back in the real world, away from the lights of Vegas, don’t go bursting my bubble, just throw another compliment my way…..

Because isn’t that what we should all be doing? Building each other up and celebrating each other's success! Ultimately noticing each other’s strengths is what is going to help us all reach success in the end and it’s always more fun as a team. I encourage you to dish out some constructive praise today because even a little compliment can go a long way!